January 16, 2008

Automated Telephone Systems

During my ordeal with ETS over the last few days, and simultaneously thinking about a cover design Jeff did for the Hartford Advocate recently, I got to thinking about how archaic automated telephone systems are.

"For english, press 1. Para espanol, press 2 (but it says that part in spanish)."

Now, the fact that there was no way to send my GRE scores via the ETS website really bothered me, because by God, it's 2008 or as my carpool pal Ray put it, "Two Sousand Eight! Is redikouluss!"

So that got me wondering: In the future, what will we be able to do over the phone without ever needing to talk to another person?

Here are some possibilities:

Order Pizza: Welcome to Dominos. For Deep Dish press 3. For Mushrooms press 7. For pubes press 5.

Phone Sex: Just imagine that recorded voice
going Oh. Baby. Oh. God... I was thought that woman's voice was sexy. Press pound at any time for list of positions.

Surf the Internet: We already have the internet. We already have phones. Seems like a logical next step.

Buy Drugs: You know that scene in Half Baked when Dave Chapelle is talking about how he just has to call a number, tell the guy what he wants and an hour later he has his cheebah delivered to him? Well why can't I just push some buttons and get the same service? No dealing with pesky "people" plus your vocal cords get a rest.

Command Your Army or Militia: Just think about how easy it would be to attack, reposition, or burn a village! 1. 3. 5. 1. Nuclear silo eliminated!


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